I didn’t realize what was wrong. Why did my loss seem so extreme? I was divorced in midlife; my children stayed with their dad, and I was incredibly lonely. These things I knew, but I was grieving another loss. 

When a Christian leaves their faith, they lose everything. I hadn’t been kicked out, no. That would be too easy. I was one of those people whom Jesus mentioned in the Bible who turned their heads away from the plow. I stopped following. I couldn’t stomach pretending to stay with the gang. 

My eyes wandered toward other religions and methods of devotion in spiritual practice. I was raised to believe in strict obedience, walking the straight and narrow path. If you fall off, you will be damned to hell for eternity. 

God was my friend. I confided in him. Normally I felt a comforting presence as if I were with a friend. And something snapped. The door shut.  All was cold. Without any warning, the fragile protective shell which I thought was protecting me, was shattered. 

It became obvious that my feeble attempts to hold things together as I had always been able to do before, this time was not going to work. Neither Duct tape nor Gorilla glue would fix this situation. To make matters even more eventful, I had a nervous breakdown on September 11,2001. By the time the planes were shown on the news on television, I was in meltdown. 

Our Church pastor was fired, the interim pastor quit, and my husband was on another business trip. I was lost, adrift. Me and my two children, in a beautiful house, but I couldn’t get my bearings. 

I called a church friend to help. I only found judgment from her. That day was one of my lowest. She counseled from her moral high ground but never as a friend who would be understanding. But now I see that she was afraid of hell and all of the things she was taught about damnation. I would have to walk this road alone. If you question the faith, leaders aren’t sure of you . They approach you as if you’re a bomb ready to blow.

It’s been many years now since my confusion and I have walked through it. I’ve worked out my salvation with fear and trembling as the Bible says. I’m resolute in my path.