The holidays can leave me feeling like an abused spouse. I never think I meet the hidden expectations and wonder if I’m a failure.
How was your family time? Or aloneness?
Traditional holiday seasons are triggering. I cling to unfulfilled desires even though they will never be mine. I need the light of grace to see past the fog.
Joy in connecting
Today was a day for recovery. My guy and I walked around downtown. There’s a bookstore, Magic City Books, and we’ve wanted to go. I purchased a couple of books (below) after allowing myself a lengthy browse. We had coffee at the shop next door, and afterward, we went home. It was refreshing. No rush. Like the slow stretch you do when you exit the car after a long drive.
Maybe you do well through the holidays. If so, I’m glad. Let me know either way. I’d love to know.
It’s not politically correct, but I didn’t follow all of the Mueller testimony. Not all of the six or so hours. I’m not sure I made it through one hour. I think it was the pretend outrage that made my nervous system feel like copper wires frayed from overuse. I switched to comedy. Yeah, me, the news junky switched off.
While I’m confessing, I put dirty dishes in my sink. They sometimes will stay there awhile. Laundry will sit in piles. Horrors! Currently, the two newest members of my household, female kittens, are sleeping beside me. I have a couple of projects on my to-do list. There’s a good feeling growing inside me about this weekend.
“If you can’t even clean up your (own) room, who the hell are you to give advice to the world?” Posted by u/Bebo_Bags
Remember the basics. I can’t be everyone’s savior. Nor can I be the savior of the world. Sometimes I do well to clean my own room as Jordan Peterson says, “If you can’t even clean up your own room, who the hell are you to give advice to the world?”
Get up. Sunning on the sand is comfortable, but if the tide is rising, move your butt. And we can tell the tide is rising if we look around. I hate politics. It sets my teeth on edge, but I vote for improvement. I’ve been a voter since I was young, updating my party line when I felt my beliefs no longer were the same.
I live from my beliefs. One of them is humanitarianism. There’s more, but that’s for another post. Are You the Choices You Make? It’s important to know yourself and live your values. We lose our way otherwise. It drains us. Let’s live our lives, clean our room, and then we can find our joy.
To everything there is a season, so for today, I’m doing laundry.
When things go wrong as they sometimes will, When the road you’re trudging seems all up hill, When the funds are low and the debts are high And you want to smile, but you have to sigh, When care is pressing you down a bit, Rest if you must, but don’t you quit. Life is strange with its twists and turns As every one of us sometimes learns And many a failure comes about When he might have won had he stuck it out; Don’t give up though the pace seems slow— You may succeed with another blow. Success is failure turned inside out— The silver tint of the clouds of doubt, And you never can tell just how close you are, It may be near when it seems so far; So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit— It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.
You only have to make it today! For some, that’s good news.
I grew up in the positive thinking days, the Name It and Claim It generation. Thinking made it so. The reason Aunt Marge had cancer was she was a negative thinking person. Our counterbalance was to cross stitch positivity and frame it. With that much potential to fail it’s almost impossible to get out of bed in the morning. I’m gonna fuck something up today.
Well here’s to the hearts that you’re gonna break Here’s to the lives that you’re gonna change Here’s to the infinite possible ways to love you I want you to have it Here’s to the good times we’re gonna have You don’t need money, you got a free pass Here’s to the fact that I’ll be sad without you
Survive Today: Take it in small bites such as thirty minute or 1-hour time slots. I can make it for thirty minutes by enjoying the sunshine. Sometimes I survive until Lunch approaching my work with a Zen energy, ignoring everyone for 2 hours. Or if I look past today, overlook the present time entirely, and peer into the evening, I can plan a good meal, pick a movie. I forget my sucky day.
Ways of making yourself smile: Watch some comedy clips on YouTube or Comedy Central. Make funny faces in the mirror. Read funny stories or comic strips. Listen to music. Walk in nature. Pet something fuzzy. Take a silly selfie. Be goofy. Rest. Take a day to lay around.
Help Another Person: Listen. Listen. Listen. Care about them. Be who you are around them. Show your true self. Be there when you can. Don’t be phony. Let them help you. Most important, be honest. If you are with them, be there. If not, quit pretending.
Accept Your Life: Stop changing. You’re complete. It’s time to get to know who you are. There’s an old phrase which states we should love ourselves as we are, broken pieces, scars, and bruises. Some of us got hung up on the damaged part and forgot the love. Forget that you need to be fixed. Stop running, stop hiding, and stop fighting life. It’s better to have ruthless acceptance. This is me at this moment. Overweight or underweight. Whether I love the me I perceive as I stare in the mirror each morning, or I hate my image, it is the bare truth.
If you hate the way you look, so what? Brush your teeth and go to work anyway. Your job will still pay you. Someone in Hollywood remarked that we must love our looks. Honey, we don’t all drive beautiful cars. I might have decent looks, and I’m happy enough with them. It’s good enough. Move forward and Survive. Thrive.
Nothing lasts forever whether it’s my favorite socks or my longed for weekends. I’ve been studying ghost towns recently. Those once booming-with-life places that either suddenly or slowly settled down to rest.
The fire truck was questionable with a flat tire, but one township still had a hundred or so people living there, enough to keep active a post office and a fire station.
I’ve noticed in the ghost towns where no one is left, all you can see is the foundation of buildings. You try to guess if it was a house, a church or a merchant. An almost impossible task. Bring a psychic, maybe?
Nature reclaims the land eventually. Grass grows up from the ground where the model-Ts drove. Where beautiful dancers might have once swayed, their long legs moving to a rhythmic beat, now a tree is growing. We can be sad, or we can say it’s another season. The ground is resting.
Fallow years, similar to crop rotation is a technique which farmers have used for centuries to keep the soil active. Overstressed earth is empty.
We use the word to talk about any unused resource, and it started as a work aboutland.Fallowcomes from the old English word for plowing and refers to the practice of leavingfieldsunplowed in rotation — when afield lie fallow, the soil regains nutrients that are sucked up by over-planting. Definitions offallow.
I think we push ourselves to produce when we are empty when our reserve is low. Is it possible to find time to draw in more nutrients and wait with the bodies we have instead of wanting a perfect body?
“I am the rest between two notes which are somehow always in discord.” R.M. Rilke | Poetry & Random Thoughts
Primal instincts drive us. In cold weather, we long for comfort and sleep. We enjoy spending more time with our family. Physical tasks seem like drudgery. Our energy is low. We crave more food and alcohol than usual. People tend toward depression. It’s seasonal. Yes, Spring is around the corner.
Do you ever wonder about the items scattered along the highway? One red floral couch pillow, a size 12 Converse tossed on the median or stuffed teddy bear. Check out this site, louitucker.com. There’s this weird part of my brain that twinges and thinks, they are going to need that pillow. It’s irreplaceable. But unlike me, they’ll probably skip along fine and never miss a beat.
When I was a teen, my sister-in-law started a new job. New ventures mean you need new clothes, but she lacked the money to purchase them from a store. She decided to pray for clothes. Funny thing, while she was driving along the road, she saw a bag of clothing and no lie, in that bag were pants and blouses that fit her, probably fell off of someone’s truck as they were driving along.
When I worked downtown, my coworkers and I walked during a break and happened to find a bag of new exercise tops with the tags still on them. I saw a bag, and because I’m curious like I mentioned in last week’s blog post-Otherness-, I picked it up. Usually, it’s trash. But there are days when there’s a fun surprise waiting for me. I take them when I can get them.
There are many things we lose and are afraid we’ll never get back such as friends, time, money, love or memories. There are natural disasters and mishaps. The flooding from a hurricane takes away your home with all of the pictures. You can rebuild or move to another location, but something is missing. What you had was lost.What do we do when we lose things? I feel like sitting on the floor and giving up sometimes. I can exhaust myself in searching. If I can’t find it, I’m angry. That was my picture, my car. Mine! It’s essential to explore these emotions, feel them. What was unique about the object? Did it remind me of someone I loved? Or was it a person I lost? There is an entire grieving process we go through for some items. Grieve and cry if you need to. Pay your respects. Move on when you are ready.
More Good Stuff
Second chance items can come to you sometimes. I’ve found things besides the dumpster that I repurposed. There was a wooden picture frame that I repainted. I wrote about it here Re-framing Relationships, jobs, houses, and books are often second chance items. Someone else’s old is your brand spanking new.
Let’s love our second chances and even our third and fourth’s. Grab as many as you need. Life is generous. Live boldly. Live free. We are going to make it. And remember –>> You Are Already That
Time is closing in on me. It’s been a problem of claustrophobia. Lack of oxygen. Not enough air. Maybe it’s depression. If I listened to the doctors, they’d give me another pill. I don’t need another. I’d like to take fewer thanks! Maybe the ones I use are causing the issue. Well, yeah, could be.
One thing I realized finally is that I’m not alone. Society has been steadily growing more complicated. And it’s been creeping up on us all. More demanding. Greedy. Our boundaries have become porous, and we have to be the ones to say, STOP!
Here’s my thing-I don’t fit into the entrepreneur’s gig. I’m not aggressive enough to work on my own. I like the umbrella of a company paying my income. Unfortunately, it pigeon-holes me into the 9 to 5 cubicle workforce.
Maybe I’m looking at this wrong. The creative side of me likes to have fun. Books, movies, and music make me happy. Get my light burning again.
And he brings up another reason, social media, and the difficulty of speaking out, which I mentioned in my blog We Have Wet Feet
There is another reason why creatives may want to think very seriously about unfurling their towel on this part of the beach. It is getting more and more difficult to say anything real publicly. The pH level of the discourse is hovering around 2. (Acid rain starts below 4.)
We’ve all felt this. We really only fire up social media for private conversations now. Venturing out into its public discussions is akin to looking down at the fork in your hand and realising you weren’t doing anything else with that other eye, anyway. – Gordon White
Lately, I’ve questioned my choices. Should I be more assertive? Do the Tim Ferriss thing? Jump from the airplane and be an adventurous person? I know, I know. It’s a ridiculous thing to ponder. I don’t even have a plan. It’s all self-doubt and speculation, but it’s there, sitting and waiting, in the back of my mind. I won’t do it really. I’ll read more books.
I had a wad of tangled jewelry, that I needed to untangle if I wanted ever to wear any of the necklaces. Based on the familiar terms of today, I should FIGHT the tangles. But I couldn’t beat them. The chains. The knots.
I’m a problem solver by nature. I use this skill in my job. Often my obsessions over a personal decorating issue can keep me awake at night debating whether I prefer the black bedspread over the navy. In the case of hands and fingers working out the tiny knots in my necklaces, I’m fine. I’m not thinking. I’m doing. It’s almost instinctive how my fingertips will sort through the tangled heap of chains until I have restored order.
Cooperation leads to working together. It ends the game. Fighting causes resistance and prolonging the battle. Is it possible that some enjoy the fight too much to learn to participate or cooperate?
While I was listening to a podcast, I heard about a book that I might be interested in reading. I popped open my browser to Amazon.com, and crazily enough twenty minutes had passed before I realized I was, at least, six books deeper in my mindless search through book after book following the connections, Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought & Inspired by your browsing history.
On Being Tired
I was tired. It was late. So why was I still up and browsing books? I was in a trance. I had followed the first book but I ruled it out. Still I connected it to a second book then a third and so on. The mind game. The whirlpool grabbed me, swirling me into its game of mindless searching. I had no interest in any of these books. Their topics or titles were similar. I’ve noticed that I do this a lot lately. I read articles when I’m not interested. I watch videos when they don’t hold my attention.
The knee-jerk reaction is for me ban myself from the internet. Absurd. Not going to happen. I’m going to browse. I love researching weird shit. The more bizarre the better. The trick is keeping my mind engaged in the activity. Mindful. Attentive. And always be aware of how long I’m doing the activity. Most importantly, asking myself, am I having fun?
I love Sunday mornings. Long lazy days and quiet afternoon naps. A good cup of coffee or tea. Slow and easy. That’s my weekend. Sunny or rainy, it really doesn’t matter as long as I can relax. In my next life, I want to be my cat. She’s curled up beside me right now. Enjoying the tranquil life. I hope all is well in your part of the world.
I might be posting fewer posts soon, but I haven’t decided yet. I’m currently working on a fiction piece and it involves more writing energy, so I put less thought into my blog than I would like. We’ll see how it goes. Until then my friends stretch and then ease back in the sunshine for as long as you can.
“Sit, be still, and listen,
because you’re drunk
and we’re at
the edge of the roof.”
How much does it cost to feel well? What are you willing to give up to be free of pain? We know that healthcare doesn’t come cheap. Vitamins are expensive. Organic food is a bit extra so we weight the cost. Is it worth it for us? What about the medicine we take? That’s been my dilemma. But not so much about the cost. The medicine I’m taking, Topamax, helps prevent migraines. It’s also been helping in preventing my neck pain. The side effect for me is tiredness, fatigue. With each increase in dosage comes a bit of slowing down. So, my cost/ratio question is, how much pain prevention is it worth for me? How much slowing down can I adapt to?
For a while I didn’t know if I was going to make it each time my doctor kept saying, we’re going to try upping your medication. But on the flip side, I didn’t know if I was going to make it with the fire-like pain that was radiating up the nerves in my neck and my skull. I trudged and braced myself, hoping I could make it through another day, then the week. Sometimes there was a reprieve. Until now. I’ve had a full month without headaches. That’s darn good. Freakin’ amazing! It’s been close to 9 months since this process started and now I finally see the progress. The slowing down is worth it.
We live and change
This article though is a little disturbing to me. The trend towards constantly rewarding our happiness button, or shortening our attention span a bit more, is increasing instead of decreasing. I think we’d be happier as a species relaxing our attention and letting go, but that’s just me. Check out the article if you wish here, What would you pay to be happy? The Guardian.
…the poet Guillaume Apollinaire: “Now and then,” he advised, “it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.” That’s worth a T-shirt.
William Davies’s The Happiness Industry, from the above article.
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