Sometimes we have to become comfortable with who we are when we are alone. I was driving in my car yesterday, thinking of of all the things I’m afraid of. How I’ve tried so much to be what’s expected of me and to hide the unacceptable parts. Be more respectful, less quiet, open up and share my private thoughts. Be outgoing, win friends and influence people, stand tall and assert myself.
In the normal moments, I’m happy puttering around my house or watching a marathon of Doctor Who. I tried dating because I don’t want to become a hermit quite yet. Maybe when I’m 70. Most of the guys I’ve dated like to do things. Shopping, traveling, gambling, all those physical and crowd oriented activities. And I can do those things just like anyone else, but it makes me tired.
I remember in elementary school fluffing and enlarging my persona. No one wants to be thought of as boring. And being fearful and boring at the same time is a huge ick factor for children. So over the years I learned to say the right words when asked, what are your hobbies?What do you like to do in your spare time? Fluff. It was easy because most people don’t really care. They move on and I can go back to my book.
But that moment, while driving, I was alone. Just me and my thoughts and I was okay with them. I’ve finally accepted that they are who I really am. In that moment I was being myself. No act, no bluster, no fluff. And I liked it.
I have caused suffering. We all have. We try so hard to not harm. But it’s impossible. For example, my thoughts on being vegan or vegetarian were to be innocent of shedding blood. To not stop another’s life. It sounds noble. It sounds wise. And one day we may all be able to live without causing harm to other beings just to survive. There is another side to the “plants only” diet. Agriculture. Whether we farm thousands of acres or raise herds of cattle, we still do harm. To the environment, to the habitat, and to the creatures who live there.
It is a baby’s nature to be born. That baby that was born didn’t think of the pain she caused. She didn’t try to be gentle. She herself wasn’t in control, but the timing of nature was propelling her to be born. The child in the act of being born is surviving and thriving and asserting, but at the same time she is also at the mercy of the environment around her. In the same way, we, the people of Earth, are propelled by nature and the forces that came before us. Here we stand with the blood of those we have harmed, but we are still as innocent as the baby that is freshly born. We didn’t ask for this. We didn’t cause the destructions that came before our time. We can only adapt to where we are now.
Today, I drop my guilt and walk away. Just like the newborn baby innocent but yet guilty. I’ll live my life the best I can. I will take what I need and give to others as well. Each day, I will take the steps that are in front of me and I will use whatever tool I have in my hand, for myself and for those around me. What more can any of us do? What does the lord require of us, but to love mercy, to do justly and to live humbly before our god.
Welcome to our online community of creativity, healing and self-exploration! This is a place to tell our stories with the intention to learn from one another. Please read and share your thoughts freely!