Check the Label

English: Cut Green Beans Español: Habichuelas ...

When I was a kid you could buy discounted canned goods in a little store nearby. They were damaged. Some were labeled and some were written on with a Sharpie, and some you had no idea what was in them. But they were cheap. So you shake the can and listen to the rattle and slosh. Does it sound like corn or green beans? Maybe peas. You can compare the cans by size and shape and sometimes match them.  This is so much like dating it’s ridiculous, except without the shaking. Does he dress nice? What type of car does he drive? I-I-I don’t know, she’s rude to her mom, will she be rude to me later in the relationship? When we say I love you, we sometimes think we mean the same thing or that the other person understands what we mean.

Just four months into their marriage, Pond said she became frightened for her safety and began making plans to leave. The couple separated and Pond went public the spring of 2009 with her fears that he killed his first wife. – Lucky wife, from ABCnews

The label may say love, but is that what’s really inside?

Love is just a feeling of connection to another person or object. It’s so easily misidentified as “I can’t live without this person.” There may be love inside there somewhere, but codependency is not love. Also, love doesn’t mean that this relationship is healthy. There are those I have loved that I had to get away from. I have active mirror neurons. People don’t come with labels and we can’t shake them to hear the rattle, but we can try to read the signs. Paranoia isn’t necessary but ask your friends who’ve met the person you’re interested in. Sometimes they’ll see things you don’t. Sometimes it’s only after a relationship ends in disaster that family and friends will speak up, but we need to listen to them earlier. So speak up people.

If you didn’t need them, emotionally or physically, would you want to be with them?

One of my issues in the past was romanticizing the relationship, projecting forward a future coupling of our perfect relationship and not living with the real relationship. It’s difficult to see the reality when you’re watching the fantasy. Take off the rosy glasses. Get real. Be as truthful with yourself as you possibly can then enjoy what you have. No relationship is perfect and all of them change, so it’s possible to think you start off okay and then watch it dive off of a cliff. If that’s the case, reassess and do what needs to be done. Life happens.

Immature love says: ‘I love you because I need you.’ Mature love says ‘I need you because I love you. – Erich Fromm

Ten faces of love – psychology today

Love is an Ever Changing Thing

 

Love makes of each moment an eternity

I’ve sobbed, I’ve cried, I’ve raged, and I’ve been morose. Sometimes I’ve thought I was like the girl from the link below.

 

I’ve Lost All Faith in Love. Am I Doomed to Be Alone Forever?  I have this fear of being alone forever and sometimes I wonder if I’m doomed to be single forever…and I hate the idea of being alone. I’ve lost all faith that I will find somebody. – from the blog of Evan Marc Katz

I thought I’d never love again. I’m no longer the dopey eyed school girl who thinks life will end if the boy doesn’t like me. If he doesn’t call, my life isn’t over. I can just move on. I thought often that I’d become too hardened to ever feel, but I realize now that I still feel. It’s different. It’s a fresher aliveness I have in me now. My love no longer destabilizes me. I can stand and still love.

I’ve been told that to love someone means to lay your life down for that person. To give of yourself and make sacrifices. But those never come out even. One person always ends up making the sacrifice, becoming the lamb, while the other is holding the blade. Call me jaded if you want, but it seems that in this 50 + 50 = 100% equation, if one person gives up more, then the other balances by taking more and giving less. If the sacrificing person holds their ground then a relationship can happen. Give and take. Both. No one needs to lose their heart in a blood sacrifice. Stand tall. Love is still in you. This is a new day with a new type of love.

A lot can happen between now and never. If you want to build a better home, first you must demolish the old one. – Game of Thrones

Demolish the old life. Build a new one. Love again, just don’t do it the way you did it before. You’re not the person you were before and your love won’t be either.

A confident woman knows she holds all the cards in the relationship. If she doesn’t like the way he texts, calls, communicates, kisses, or commits, she can dump him at any time. – Evan Marc Katz

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I’m Not Jealous

While sitting in the waiting room at the doctors office, I had a funny conversation. HGTV was showing a couple buying a new home. This house was too little. That one was too old. None seemed just right for their $300,000.00 budget. Envy. Jealousy. Annoyance. Comments were flying in that waiting room. We were incredulous. She wanted a bigger kitchen but she didn’t cook. She loved having a brand new home (2 months) but didn’t like the construction that was happening around the neighborhood.

Not that I don’t understand completely. If I were paying $300,000.00 for a home, I’d want it just right also. Okay so maybe I do see her side of it, but a part of me was jealous that she took it so for granted.

While waiting for the doctor in the examining room it suddenly occurred to me, I’m not jealous
really. I’m happy to be able to walk away from that TV show and live my life. My life with a capital
MY. Healthy, happy, mature, and well lived. Much like the skinned horse from Velveteen Rabbit story, I like spouting wisdom and realism. My life is full and ordered to my liking and I have no desire for a big house with empty rooms. I enjoy every inch of my cozy home. I love the yellow walls and the sunlight that streams through the windows. I love the tall Oak trees. I’ll keep my life thanks.

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Freedom or Romance? Could you choose?

Which is it? Think quick. What would your choice be? If you could only have one, and be able to live that one to its fullest, which would you choose? The choice is a fantasy. No one has absolute romance or absolute freedom and it may be one of those things that no one needs, but if it came down to one or the other do you know your preference? Maybe you didn’t realize there was a choice.

The choices:

Cinderella with her fairyland romance. The prince claiming her for his own and in front of all her naysayers announcing her as his bride. The ring on your finger, the kiss on the cheek, not to mention the passion. Certainly the wild roller-coaster ride of romance hits some, but it rarely lasts. They tell me it isn’t supposed to last. It’s supposed to blossom, develop and grow into a fully developed love. Now tell me again why we idolize the fairy tales? Is it their mature love? No, it’s the passion. It’s the feeling of belonging. Instant HOME.

Freedom to go anywhere you want to wear the colors of your choice, to think and act freely, even speak from your own mind. You walk in loyalty to those you wish to be loyal to, not having to compromise your true loyalties for the sake of country, political party, religious affiliations or family ties. To move with the wind and flow as the river. No checking in, no expectations, no disappointing others. But having no preset boundaries, no home base, some feel lost.

The truth is these are not either or choices. Just take a good look at the choices you have now in front of you. Make an aware choice. What are you giving up if you choose to take this job or that? What does your family expect of you? Your religion? Your friends? If you are free to move anywhere, to be anyone, what is your gain? What do you walk away from?

A good mix is the best. There’s a balancing of freedom and home ties and it changes at different points in your life. When you feel the pinch of your too tight shoes you know it’s time to squeeze your feet out of them and let them have some air. In the same way, when your personality feels cramped or your life feels dry, boring, or wasted, check your home ties or your freedom level. Adjust as necessary.

But the question still stands, if you could only choose one, which would it be?

Aside: Here’s some beautiful artwork which seems to me a nice mix of romance and freedom. http://stacykathryn.com/artwork/