Hair Happens!

Bad hair day
Bad hair day (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

While cleaning my bathroom floor, I was disgusted. I had hairs on the floor. Matted swirls of blonde hairs. How did I let that happen? Why do I not prevent that?

Is it possible to prevent a mess? Somewhere in my thinking I believed I was the only one who had hair on their bathroom floor.

I can still hear my family, “Janet, your hair is everywhere.” And, it was only my hair. No one else had hair that floated from room to room. My hair was errant in nature and very naughty. I don’t know how it became so naughty. And then suddenly, while I was on the bathroom floor no less, I realized, my hairs weren’t bad or evil or gross. They are just hair.

Everyone (mostly) has hair. We all have germs. Mine aren’t super alien strong germs either. My hair isn’t magically searching for some solid surface to glue and multiple itself on. It’s just freakin hair and it just freakin needs cleaned off of the floor.

Hair happens.

Dirt happens. Pain happens. Death happens and so does life. None of these things are preventable.

When I get on a roller-coaster I never expect it to crash. Usually it doesn’t. When I eat food from a restaurant, I expect it to enjoy it and I don’t expect it to poison me. We are lulled everyday into expecting things to go on. We expect life. We expect health. But sickness happens. You can’t plan for the unexpected. Life should run smoothly. Children shouldn’t die. Roller-coasters are fun amusements and aren’t meant to be dangerous. And cars shouldn’t rear end us on our way to work. Safety is the norm, or so we think. But is it really?

So should we lock down all our facilities? Shut the doors and keep the windows barred? Maybe tag everyone and keep them monitored like sheep. This isn’t the way any of us would want to live. That’s the obsessive way of existing. And even in that, we would still die. We would still have illness.

If someone disobeys or finds a loophole, make a stronger law.

I’ve heard it too many times now. Why was this not caught? How did this happen?  I believe we have created a picture safety being the norm. Otherwise how would you cope with everyday life? Would you send your child to school? Drive to the store? Without the story of “this won’t happen to me”, I don’t know if I could fully live my life. The illusion of safety and control of my destiny allows me to fully express myself, to take chances and challenges.

I know the temptation to say, Why me? The why me, doesn’t really mean “Why me, why not Jack?”  We really aren’t asking why me at all, but we are trying to grasp the situation. Have you ever tripped and fallen flat on your face? It stuns you. The suddenness of the fall surprises you so you can’t even feel the pain sometimes. If you’ve been in a car accident you know how quickly it can happen.

A friend just lost his wife. Suddenly. She lost her grip on the coffee cup. Something wasn’t right. They went in to see the doctor and found a tumor on her brain. After investigating they realized it was pancreatic cancer that had metastasized into her brain and various organs. Ten days later she was gone. Ten days. Eleven days ago she was the picture of health. Taking her son to football practice and cleaning her house for the holidays. Suddenly life changes. Why me? Why her?

SAFETY (Photo credit: calignosus)

Maybe it’s our form of therapy, these questions of Why me? or Why did we not stop this?

These questions keep us from dealing with the sudden shock and pain of the accident. We take a step back mentally. We have to. The shock is overwhelming to our nervous system. Our brain is not capable of handling the shock, so it handles the next immediate detail, ‘How did this happen?’ If we’d had metal detectors at the door, then no one could bring in a gun. If we’d worn non-slip shoes, we wouldn’t have fallen. It’s our method of handling the tragedy. If we can control this preventative aspect of the accident then we feel calmer. As if by naming something we can understand how it works.

It’s not so bewildering once we’ve identified it. We can look at the situation and say it is less likely to happen again in the future. We can’t process not having control over our future safety. We have to believe that we can prepare, that we can foresee the danger and prevent it.

It amazes me when I watch the news. They seem to tell us that death could be prevented. Whether from massacres, riots, or wars. I’m sorry, I thought we all died. Maybe years down the road and certainly not children, but still death is not preventable. Neither is the mess on my floor. It isn’t because I’m a lazy, irresponsible person. Life is a circular motion of pain and happiness. Joy and searching. Loving and losing. Birth and death. Fear and excitement. It is all of these. Life is a merry-go-round of living.

Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.-John Lennon, “Beautiful Boy”

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Writing Like Mad

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What else can I say? Keep on writing. Just keep swimming. Go Johnny go, go, go. Is there anything else? You go until you feel the momentum shift. The need changes. When the need is gone. Why? Why do you just keep going? Can you do anything else? If the desire is there, if the vision is filling your head, is there any other life for you?

I often wondered why I couldn’t be normal. Why was I not happy or content with just being an average person? Why did I feel the continual urge to move things? To shift things? I hated the fact that I wasn’t content with the house and the car and the children and the dog. I loved those things. I adored being a mom. I loved the feeling of family and nurturing involved with that. But it was always as if I had on the inside of me a pulsating need to change things.

I have a difficult time listening to the news. It’s hard to listen to the idiocy that people debate over. The whole Democrat versus Republican and throw in a dash of the Tea Party, with a splash of Independents on the side. It doesn’t matter what cloth you drape over it, it’s still all in shambles. They still are arguing over the same petty bridges and hills. So I walk away.

They won’t be changed. In the words of Hugh McLeod, Ignore Everybody. “Don’t try to stand out from the crowd. Avoid crowds altogether.” Gaping Void-Avoid Crowds Altogether 

There are times when the voices in my head tell me to just sit down. Why am I bothering? What am I trying to do?

Honestly, I’m not trying to do anything. I bother because, I can’t not bother. I have to. Once someone asked why I write. Without thinking it comes out so simply. I must. All of these thoughts and emotions are bubbling up inside of me and the only way to get any peace or calmness is to write them down. When I write it’s like the door opens and the herd of horses storm out of the barn all at once. I write down the main ideas and go back to fill in the middle, because I can’t stand the thought of not remembering something. When I’m with someone and I talk about these ideas I have, these emotions and thoughts, it’s difficult for me to express them with any sensible understanding. It comes out as gibberish. In my head it all sounds right. I know what I want to say, I just have trouble putting order to the words. At least with writing I can do that.

I still think how simple life would be if I were content with my place in life. But then if others were content with their “place” where would society be? No change happens by merely being content. When I was in high school and was running an eight mile fundraiser, my friend said I needed to learn how to pace myself. Surely they knew what they were talking about. So I believed them. I took their critique and tried to pace myself. And I remember it all the time. The funny thing is, it never works for me. It’s not my style. When I worked in the church and Christianity, a different friend said I needed to learn to pace myself again. That Jesus wanted us to walk along beside him hand in hand. Guess what? I believed that person also. And truly I tried. I cried out to God asking why I couldn’t be a better more thankful child of God? But you know what? God never told me to pace myself.

Did you ever go on a walk with children? They are either lagging behind picking flowers and playing with the lizards or running ahead to see what’s around the corner. Exuberance. Alive. Free.

Some people cannot stand that you're moving on...

If you have been around on Christmas morning with a couple of kids, you’ll know one thing for certain. There is excitement in the air, whether there are 20 packages under the tree or just a few. They can’t wait to open those presents. My brothers and I would beg my parents a week before Christmas, “Please, just one. Can we open just one now?”

Would you want it any other way? What if your kids were ho-hum about Christmas morning? “Later mom. I want to finish this cartoon first.” Not on your life. As adults we forget exuberance, because friends and experts tell us to pace ourselves. When was the last time you felt that alive? The thrill of a roller-coaster,  the mud between your toes, the wind blowing in your face, or the taste of ice cream all cold and sweet. Remember what it was like as five and excited about riding your bike or playing chase.

Do I want to be content? Do I want to pace myself? No! I want to burst out laughing at stupid jokes. I want to run as fast as I can. I want to stand on the bridge and feel the cold wind blow against my body pressing me backwards. I want to live. Sometimes my life’s full of the “just keep swimming” mantras. I’m okay with that.

A funny thing happened to me. I went to a different physician. My insurance had changed and my favorite doctor was not contracted with the new insurance. My new doctor seems fine, but she had her agenda and I had mine. I wanted to get in, get out, and get things scheduled that I needed scheduled. There are medical things that only a doctor can offer so I go through the routine that’s required. Her agenda was to instruct me on eating healthy. Eat 3 servings of dairy a day (I don’t eat dairy). Women are not getting enough calcium and vitamin D in their diet. When I commented on the lack of vitamin D being from working in the office and not going outside, she quickly countered. Sun exposure causes cancer and we need to shield ourselves by applying sunscreen and avoiding long exposure.  Somewhere in the lecture my mind shut off.

My diet is not approved by my doctor I guess. And as far as avoiding the sun, not likely to happen. I love the sun. I can’t live my life avoiding life, being super cautious and playing it safe. As I mentioned, I want to live. I want to feel the rain on my face and splash in mud puddles. I love to get lost in a book and forget to go to bed. Those are the moments of our lives. The exuberance of running ahead or lagging behind is what proves that we are human. We can delight. We can be sad. We can lose our temper. We are alive!

Alive and Well

yellow flowerYes, I am alive and well.

I almost put that I was alive and blooming, but the picture of flowers popping up all over my head didn’t fit my mood. To demonstrate my mood and what this site is about I will include a video link. I hope you enjoy it!



I am bigger than religion.
No creed or code can bind me.
I am more than opinions or thoughts of others.
I become.
I change.
I grow.
I breathe.
I live.
You may say I’m a liar. I say look closer. You may say I am honest. Look again. For every nuance that you think you see, there is a counter facet.
I am intelligent.
I am foolish.
I am kind.
I am cruel.
I am all things, but none at all.
I live in a limited world but my soul knows none.
It is boundless because I am.

What I’m Reading Now

I’m excited about two books right now. I am in love with SHIVER and I just finished it. That’s my fiction fun read. The other tidbit I’m reading is THE TRANCE OF SCARCITY. It’s quite an interesting nonfiction read.
One of my habits is to keep a running stream of current and interesting books. At least one nonfiction and obviously I always have a few tempting fictions to devour. SHIVER is one of those tempting and unusual books from the YA paranormal genre, wolves in the backyard and all of that creepy stuff. It kept me reading and that’s not an easy task. Through Sam’s eyes…

I let her take the stack from my hand and watched her face light up as she flipped through the pictures, looking for one in particular. “There. That one’s my favorite of you.”

For a quote from THE TRANCE OF SCARCITY,

Once we’ve assigned a meaning…We then pass on our conclusions to our neighbors and children and students….then they too, treat the Story as though it’s the Truth. Now the Story may persist for centuries, generation after generation, as though chiseled into the side of a mountain.

The world is made up of stories, not atoms. Muriel Rukeyser

Writer’s High

They say that nothing worth doing comes easily. And if something doesn’t scare the heck out of you, it probably didn’t mean much to you anyway.

Blogging and airing your thoughts when you know that people are reading is an incredible high. The reason most writer’s bare all is because of that high. To put your imaginations on paper and have someone critique them gives a feeling of vulnerableness to some, but for some of us, that’s exactly what makes it fun.

The greatest high is to expose the nerve of the masses. When you write aloud what others are afraid to say, it validates your life. The worst times leave you face down in the pigpen. Standing up, you spit and wipe the mud from your eyes. Ah! The pure joy of stench. Not all days are acclamation and pats on the back.

One of my favorite quotes is “Writer’s write.” What would you write? What would you expose? So, join me. Feel the high.

I Walk

Last night, some friends and I walked in Light The Night supporting Leukemia and Lymphoma research. When I was talking about the walk on Friday, a coworker asked why I walk. Almost apologetically I said, mostly it is something to do with my friends.

We took a couple of evenings and bought T-shirts and while watching Grey’s Anatomy, we ironed on appliqués MAY-NIACS FOR THE CURE, named after May Novak, Nicole’s grandmother. So, do I walk for the T-shirts? Sometimes. For the KOMAN Race for the Cure we had “I LOVE BooOOooBIES” T-shirts. That made everyone smile.

Walking is a reason to get together. It’s like holidays. They remind us that we have family and friends. They build memories that mark our lives. Without these markers, whether they are scary or happy, our lives seem drab. So, if you’re feeling lonely or without a purpose, go walk for a cure. Any cure will do. Grab some coworkers and some walking shoes and walk.

We don’t earn thousands of dollars to cure cancer. Our names aren’t in any papers. No one but us will remember that we were there. But we know. Looking back on our lives, we will have markers that will let us know that we lived. We did something. We walked.

P.S. This walk was in memory of May Novak.